Bill Zeller

Bill Zeller left an impact on many people around the Web after he committed suicide last Sunday. Before taking his life, he wrote about why he made the decision to do so.

As a child, Bill was physically and sexually abused, which left marks on him that he was unable to get rid of in his adult life. Even programming wasn’t enough to set him free from all the suffering he experienced.

Here are some of Bill Zeller’s final words:

“My first memories as a child are of being raped, repeatedly. This has affected every aspect of my life. This darkness, which is the only way I can describe it, has followed me like a fog, but at times intensified and overwhelmed me, usually triggered by a distinct situation.

“This darkness followed me as I grew up. I remember spending hours playing with legos, having my world consist of me and a box of cold, plastic blocks. Just waiting for everything to end. It’s the same thing I do now, but instead of legos it’s surfing the web or reading or listening to a baseball game. Most of my life has been spent feeling dead inside, waiting for my body to catch up.

“The darkness is with me nearly every time I wake up. I feel like a grime is covering me. I feel like I’m trapped in a contimated body that no amount of washing will clean. Whenever I think about what happened I feel manic and itchy and can’t concentrate on anything else.

“I’ve spent my life hurting people. Today will be the last time.”